Note: Please read my previous post “A Picture of This New Found Freedom in God” to get the background for this post. I really do Love ya’.
“Now I want to talk to you, Scott.”…Then He
waited for me to listen. I can now recognize His voice because it is not mine. The
tone, inflection and sound are different. And as the prior post explained, I
can now recognize my voice and that of the accuser which leads me to better
hear His voice by not listening to the other two.
As I still lay in bed attempting to sleep
around midnight the beginning of Friday, January 24th God began a
conversation in my mind with me to solve some monstrously huge identity
problems I had my entire earthly and Christian life. After giving me the
picture for others He addressed me directly. The entire conversation with the
picture described in the prior post and what follows took 3 hours. It was not a
dream and did not seem like a vision. I guess I don’t really know what a vision
is supposed to be, look or feel like. Most of the time God did not speak. His words
were few, powerful and wrapped up with all kinds of meaning. It was usually me
wrestling with the concepts attempting to get my small mind around them. With
that introduction here we go into the transformation of a wounded soul:
God brought to mind an illustration from two
years ago where I attempted to describe
justification and sanctification by
using a glass filled with dirty water. “Remember that water glass illustration
you used to teach My truth with?” That was all He said but it meant much more.
Tons of unspoken truth comes to mind and is revealed each time He made a simple
statement. The dirt represented the fleshly life of a Christian who was in the
process of being made holy. The dirt was sin. The water was the pure water of
life from God. The dirt and water combination represented the duality of the
Christian life wrestling with saying “no” to the flesh and sin while being
purified by God pouring in His holy water to wash out the sin and cleanse the
Christian. The teaching was that justification
means: in spite of the fact that a person is sinful and guilty, through the
redeeming blood of Jesus and the work done on the cross, God declares the
believer not guilty. God acquits the believer because the wrath and punishment was
poured out on Jesus.
Suddenly the glass is on a stand in front of
me for display. So now pure water is
poured into the believer to make them
holy. This sanctification process
stirs up the dirt and filth and could be a painful process as God washes out
the yucky mucky water. Over the life of a Christ-follower, the water of life
continues to flow into them washing out the sin as they grow in holiness. The
process is slow. Purification takes all of the time this person remains on
earth. When this person leaves for heaven the remaining filth is washed out.
Once they enter heaven they are then made completely clean, whole and pure. Even
though God has declared the believer not guilty, this purifying process must
take place to fulfill what Paul describes in Romans 1-7. 
We had used this illustration at our home
group and a marriage retreat. Part of the climactic points of the teaching was
to say that we must minister, live and love from the pure water that is being
poured into us and to love without agenda or expectation. I thought this was
all pretty good and Scriptural. Then God spoke in my head, “How’s that working
out for you?” Huh? The illustration and the times I taught it started bouncing
around in my head. It made perfect sense to me! I thought it was an accurate
assessment of how the Christian life works itself out practically. After
wrestling with this for a few minutes I started remembering the fruit from the
home group and the marriage retreat. The home group shrank and fizzled. Some
couples at the retreat had left the church. A couple others are still having
all kinds of issues and regular fights. A couple of others have divorced. So
the success rate of the illustration was pretty much sucky yucky mucky.
God spoke. “I really appreciate all the time,
energy and effort you spent in coming up with the illustration. That must have
been exhausting: all that time, studying and brain power. You put a lot of work
into that example. But it’s not how I see you.” What?! “Can I show you how I
see you?” God waited. My thoughts were racing. I kept spinning the illustration
around running through it over and over. Really, I was just wasting God’s and
my time. I couldn't figure it out. What does He mean? I don’t understand. That’s obvious now. God kept waiting for me to stop and ask Him. Instead I just
kept spinning it all around attempting to figure everything out myself. A bit
later. “Can I show you something?” OK. I was finally ready to listen. Talking
about the illustration and my theology God said, “This is not how I see you.
It’s wrong.” Then His right hand grabbed the glass full of dirty water and
tossed it on its side in a bucket next to me and He stomped on it smashing it.
Then He threw a handful of dirt over it. I guess I had brought the 5-gallon
bucket with me to carry the items for the illustration. Nothing else seemed to
be around us. Just a white space like we were in a completely white room so
there was nothing else around to distract me from our discussion. And the dirt?
I didn’t see any dirt before and don’t know where it came from. I guess God
brought his own dirt! He can make that stuff, you know.
All of a sudden God was next to me. He was near! He was relatable; just a little larger than me. I cannot describe any of His features, clothing, face or hair. I never saw His face. He was at my right side. Calm. Gentle. Peaceful. Relaxed. He pointed with his left hand at the now smashed glass that He had buried. “That’s not you anymore. That guy is dead. I killed Him at the cross. That’s not how I see you. He is buried in baptism with Jesus’ death. Do you want to know how I see you?” More mental gymnastics. Concepts were flying all around as I wrestled with how this fit with Scripture. Romans 6 & 7 began making sense. Without words His killing and burial of my fleshly-self made a ton of sense. All my unsuccessful fighting with sin could stop because the flesh was dead. The power of the fleshly beast was dead! I could quit attempting to stop sinning. All those battles with alcohol, lust, anger, impatience, discouragement, doubts could cease. All my efforts of focusing on stopping sinning were like putting make-up on a corpse! It didn’t solve anything. Sin didn’t cease by focusing on it. All that wrestling had gotten me nowhere. I was still living like the completely dirty glass. Holiness and purity seemed unobtainable. Peace started to come in as I realized that endless battle no longer needed to be waged. Things were becoming different.
So now maybe God sees me as pure. Oh! So I
thought maybe I was the same glass filled with clean pure water. God said
nothing. It seemed like it was the right concept but not the right glass.
Again, I played the whole scenario over in my head with different options.
Maybe the glass was a 12oz water glass instead of this 8oz one. I pictured a
few others as I ran through things again. Still no word from God. I was so
tired and needed sleep but the wrestling still left me restless. A while later
God calmly and patiently spoke. “Can I show you how I see you?” He waited. “Let
me know when you are ready and I will show you.” I continued spinning things
over in my mind attempting to figure this out. This took quite a bit of time
before I became weary with my own efforts. Finally I stopped and waited.
“Are you ready for me to show you how I see
you?” He waited patiently, calmly, peacefully. He was not in a hurry. There was
nothing negative about how He spoke. No negative tone. No condemnation. He knew
I was tiring of my efforts. All the time throughout the night that I was
wrestling, I was not looking at Him as I pondered.
Eventually I looked up at Him and He knew.
“Are you ready?” Then He became excited and a huge smile came over Him. I could tell He was smiling and excited; even though, I never did see His face. He was
exploding with joy. “Can I show you how I see you?” His smile got larger. His
excitement was contagious. He was smiling at me and excited to share something
with me! Wow! “Are you ready? Can I show you?” He was nearly giddy! “Are you
ready?” OK. I’m ready. Then He turned to His right reaching behind Him. He picked
up something that was heavy for Him. Smiling hugely and with all kinds of
excitement, “Are you ready?” He’s picking up something heavy? I am thinking, ‘how
can anything be heavy for God?’ That doesn’t make any theological sense. He
looks at me and straight-faced says, “Relax.
It’s a metaphor.” Then He laughs. I laugh. Still reaching behind His back
to His right for something I cannot see, “Ready?!” Yes.
He turns to His left with the heavy object and
places it on the same stand I was using to display the other glasses. He
lovingly places it in front of Him. It is huge. It is ornate. It is a wild
shape. It is fine crystal. It is carved and magnificent. It reflects His
glorious light brilliantly. It is filled with the water of life. It is pure,
clean. It is perfect. It is wonderful. God is so proud of it. He beams. He
points with His right hand and filled with love and compassion slowly says,
“That…That is how I see you. That is how I see you through the cross; through
the work of Jesus.” I am flabbergasted and amazed. Somewhere during this grand
reveal I am made aware that I am not supposed to describe this vision in detail
of what the glass stein-thing looks like so no one will compare this picture
with theirs. God loves all of us equally and has the same excitement for all
His holy children whom He longs to bless with spiritual gifts and righteous
fruit. “You are no longer that.” He says
while pointing down with His left hand to the smashed and buried glass. “That
is dead and gone. No more shame. No more guilt. No more condemnation. You are
made pure. You are my precious son.”
He shifts away from the dead glass and again with His right hand points and
smiles at the huge glass, stein thing that is His masterpiece since He is the
master. “That is how I see you. Isn’t it wonderful?”
Like a loving Father He grabs me with his left
hand pulling me close to Him and right in front of the crystal glass stein-like
thing. He hugs me and pulls my head to His chest so he can rub my head with His
right hand lovingly. I think I have more hair in this vision/metaphor. Suddenly
I remember how my grandma used to pat and rub my head like a dog. Sadly, she
was a very shame-based person who always spoke negatively of herself and
whatever she did. Mysteriously her favorite section of Scripture was
Philippians 4:8-9. That didn’t make sense since she never obtained that nor lived
it out. I remember not wanting my head touched or patted ever again because of
that. Quickly I am brought back to God’s grace-filled, wonderful loving
embrace. I love how he holds me and rubs my head. Everything is changing. He
lifts my head and points again to the glass stein thing; slowly and quietly He says,
“See… See… I make all things new.” I
ponder for a minute. Then with gigantic compassion He says while looking deep
into my eyes, “Everything you have ever
regretted, I have redeemed.” I am still lying in bed trying to sleep. Now I
am crying like a child whose wounds are being healed. “Everything…everything you
have ever regretted, I have redeemed.” This drives me to get out of bed and lie
on the floor weeping into a T-shirt I grabbed hoping to not wake my lovely
wife who sleeps at my right side.
“You know what else, Scott? I am not finished
yet with showing you how much I love you. I
will always keep pouring the water of life into you so it overflows grace to
others.” Then the explanation gains more clarity. Even if the dirty glass
is having the water of life poured into it, the overflowing water still
contains a lot of dirt and filth. So, any ministry done out of that life is tainted with sin and flesh. It
is not clean. It is not holy work. On the other hand the new glass filled only
with the water of life; as more water is poured into it, the overflow is only and always the pure
water of life not tainted by sin and flesh. God pours out His grace into a
clean, holy vessel to overflow clean grace and love into the lives of others.
This service and ministry is pure and holy. Oh! That makes sense. Now I get why
that old illustration didn’t work. It too needed to die, be buried and have a clean start.
Still lying on the ground and wiping tears as
joy starts to sink in I ask God a question, “Why? Why did it take me so long to
understand this and get this concept?” Even after a seminary degree, pastoring
and teaching the Bible as a Christian for 27-1/2 years,
I never before understood why I could not get my holy life together as a
Christian. I failed miserably at being made holy. God had never answered any of
my previous “Why?” questions throughout my life. This time He did. I didn’t
wait long. “Because all that time that
you feel was wasted, shame-filled struggling and painful will help you
understand how much I have saved and set you free from. Everything you have
ever regretted, I have redeemed.” I weep more as the pain is released. I don’t
feel guilt, shame or condemnation. It is washed away. It is buried. It’s a
relief that it is gone. The old man is dead. This is a new day; a fresh start.
I get to start over in my life as a follower of Jesus. Freedom has come. Joy
overwhelms. That is why I cried. I have finally been set free. Thank You, God!
Thank You, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I AM redeemed! I am new. God sees me as
holy. No more wasting time cleaning up the dead guy. Keep him dead. Pursue
righteousness as the new man.
Now I could rest. It was 2:30am. I slept well.
But only for a little while since I had to share this with the 6:30am men’s
Bible study group.
I shared this every chance I could. I was so
excited for this new freedom, joy, release to walk in holiness without guilt or
shame that I was bubbling over afresh. Looking back now it is amazing how little
the old struggles even pop up. The old temptations have no lure. They mean
nothing anymore. They were false comfort. They did not heal. They did not
satisfy. I am a new man. I love God!
Then on Sunday morning January 26th
as I was getting the coffee and snack table ready for church, I was in the
kitchen filling the 100 cup coffee pot
with water but not thinking about the pure, clean water filling it up. While I
was waiting, I told God how thankful I was and told Him that was the best
vision, ever. As if I had many or
any before. He answered, “That’s because it’s yours.” The meaning instantly became
clear: It is for me personally. It was directed to me. It was mine! Don’t
compare it with other people’s either positively or negatively. God sees all
His children similarly. They are clean when transformed by the Holy Spirit as
the old person is killed at the cross and the new person is raised to live a
holy life. I weep with joy. God really does love ME as one of His holy sons! I
feel like Scrooge after he was set free to live a grand life. Relief! I had
wasted many years of this earthly life under ascribing the worth God has placed
on me. But not anymore. He created me. He values me. Wow!
A couple of days later my son Stephen told me
that as he was lying in bed before falling asleep he asked God to show him what
his glass looked like. All he heard was, “What makes you think it’s a glass?”
Then he went to sleep smiling.
The
Principles: Instead of
attempting to clean up and improve the old fleshly life, God kills it. He
starts with the new man whom He creates at the spiritual re-birth. God does not
waste time putting make-up on a corpse to dress it up and make it look better.
He kills and buries it, then starts over afresh. He sees followers of Jesus as
pure beings, just like Jesus. There is no sin, no stain, no sorrow and no
shame.
“Grace does not overlook sin. It empowers righteousness.” Bill Johnson
"Repentance to be true must issue in
holiness, or it is not New Testament repentance. Repentance means not only
sorrow and distress for the wrong done, but the acceptance of the Atonement of
Jesus which will make me what I have never been...Holy." - Oswald Chambers
I now feel empowered, peaceful and joy-filled.
And I love you.
