I had a dream...and there were 2 choices

Last night Darla and I went to some friends house to share how much we love and appreciate them. After we spoke encouraging words over them and prayed, the mother shared that her daughter had a dream. So they shared the dream because it included some of their family members I prayed for without prompting. We were not sure what the dream meant. But a lot of the young adults at Outlook Christian Church lately have been getting dreams and visions. I half-jokingly said that I never get dreams from God, but I wanted them...

...1:30am I wake in the middle of a dream that seems to not make sense nor be provoked by any of the weeks events...

All of my family members are driving around a lake somewhat like Lake Tahoe. We rendezvous at several different spots. None of the gatherings are in the dream. I don't know what we are doing or why we are there. The only detail given is that one part of my family never meets up with the rest of us despite being expected and telling some they were on their way. I finally get a phone call and the leader of that family is put on the phone to explain why. Apparently I had sent an e-mail to this person cautioning them about an upcoming decision and they did not like what I wrote. This is the line that sets him off, “Are you sure you want to make this purchase? Is is good for your family? I know you have struggled with greed in the past.”

That sets him off in anger. Before he responds I wake up. What is this? Where is the rest of the dream? Why this person? I haven't talked to him other than saying “Hello, how are you?” in the last 9 months. I don't have a relationship with this person. Very few in my whole family do. So I lay there awake knowing I am going to be up a while. I ask God what this is about.

I think over the phrase that sets him off. I analyze it, mulling it over from various angles. Was it wrong? Was it anger inducing? Did it deserve a hostile response that was forthcoming when I was awakened? Then it hits me. I have been dealing with a situation where my words of caution and warning to a brother in Christ were received negatively and rage was returned. Things escalated on both ends. He is wounded by me and retaliates with venom. Somehow I am not wounded in return by the battle that ensued. We don't connect. We don't make progress and grow as brothers in Christ. I damage his soul.

Then, while I lay there in the dark thinking, I am reminded of Emerson Eggerichs' words in his Love & Respect video series. He is talking about conflict between two people and explains that you cannot make someone angry. That is their choice. He illustrates by talking about stepping on a rose. If he steps on a rose, putting pressure on it, its true aroma is revealed. It smells fragrant and pleasant. He did not make it a rose or cause it to smell like a rose. The true character of the rose is revealed by the pressure. He switches the analogy telling of a different situation. If, however, he steps on a skunk applying pressure to it, then a very different aroma is released. He did not cause the skunk to smell like that. The pressure merely revealed its true nature and character. Then he made the point that he said the same words in both situations, but the results were completely different.

Now I start to understand.

I get a new picture. I see a large pot on a hot stove. It is near the boiling point. There is a lot of heat ready to be released. It is a big pot. Huge. I step close and reach for the lid to peak inside. Barely opening it I see a stinking liquid ready to explode. The mere exposure to the air of this liquid leads to a violent response. The pot itself turns the burner up to high. The pot applies other flames to its sides causing a roaring boil that explodes the liquid everywhere. All I did was attempt to look inside by barely opening the lid. I did not cause it to boil or explode.

Remember my words above that set off the firestorm? If a healthy person receives those words, their response would be something like, “Thanks for the caution. That has been a problem. I will keep that in mind and seek God for help. Let's go hang out.” Then they walk away together to live life together.

If an unhealthy person receives the same words, something different happens. The boiling pot fuels its own frenzy of fire with flamethrowers. The fleshly fixated filth focuses foul energy; furiously overflowing vile forlorn forces of frustration; furtively faking friendship; foiling every good faith effort by fluidly festering fetid phlegm feverishly and the problem was fervently, foolishly, funkily fertilizing the fungus of un.............. forgiveness. Holiness and purity were on furlough.

If the dream had gone on, the family member would speak to me out of his flesh unhealthily saying in a crescendo of hostility that moves into a yelling roar: “I don't struggle with greed. You're wrong. You don't know what you're talking about. How dare you accuse me. In fact, the problem is you. Why don't you look in the mirror and see that it's really you that have the problem. I am fine with God. You are the sinner. You're a jerk and an idiot. Why did I ever speak with you. I should have known you would lash out and attack me bringing up the past to wound and slander me. I hate you. I never liked you. What a fool I was to think you were family. You're a betrayer and an awful human being. There is nothing good in you.”

I didn't cause the reaction. The skunk revealed itself. Now all this energy spent on this boiling pot takes a ridiculous amount of time, effort and emotion. It can easily pull me away from faithfully focusing on the teachable. So, the boiling pot explodes. Is he like the one I am supposed to leave the 99 for?

While, on the other hand, the healthy person simply and quietly says, “Thanks for the thoughts, I'll think about that and make sure I don't fall into that flaw and fail falling away from the Father. Let's go have lunch. I love you.” There is energy returned instead of hostility. There is healing, forgiveness, faithfulness, trust. The relationship needs no restoration because no damage was one. 99 healthy people require as much energy and time as one unhealthy person.

It's like Jesus' parable about the two men praying in Matthew 6. The healthy person [v.6] prays in secret quietly and humbly asking for forgiveness like the tax collector in Luke 18:12, because he recognized his sinfulness and need for a Savior.

The unhealthy person prays in public to look good [v.5]. The unholy sounds good praying eloquently [Luke 18:9-14] but trust in themselves more than God and need affirmation from men.

Just like the thieves on the cross. The one humbly asks to be remembered, knowing his flaws and failures; and in a sense, humbly whispers remorsefully, “Father, forgive me.” While the other angrily shouts at heaven with eyes aflame with fiery hatred demanding, “FATHER, FORGIVE MEEEE.” The same words. Different intent. Different emotions. Different aroma.

Matthew 6:12, “And forgive us our debts, AS we also have forgiven our debtors.” That should scare the arrogance out of us. Matthew 6:14-15, “For IF you forgive others for their transgressions, your Heavenly Father will ALSO forgive you. BUT IF you do NOT forgive others, then your Father will NOT forgive your transgressions.”

The one thief is a humble rose freely forgiving. He hears, receives and says healthy words. He is healthy because he is broken.

The other thief contemptuously festers over the same words lashing out demanding to be heard and obeyed so he can win the argument and appear righteous. He does not receive correction nor is open to it. Proverbs 9:7-8, “He who corrects a scoffer gets dishonor for himself, and he who reproves a wicked man gets insults for himself. Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you, reprove a wise man and he will love you.” The skunk spews stench under pressure. Again, I did not cause the anger. I revealed the character within by cracking open the lid on the pot to look in.

The question now is posed: Which thief are you? Are you the healthy person or the unhealthy? Are you the rose or the skunk? Which will you choose?

Jesus is between the two crucified. In horrible torturous agony he pushes himself up to painfully suck in each breath. After each breath, his knees give out as he painfully attempts to speak. With humongous effort and one word per agonizing breath, he slowly speaks, “Father..... forgive..... them......” Jesus loves them both. And, ….... and …...... so …... do …..... I.

We wait longingly for the unhealthy person to be broken and be made healthy through forgiveness which follows true repentance. Humbly pursue the Holy One so He can make you healthy and whole. I want the one back.

How to Choose Your Spouse

Most people I know want a happy life; the guys want a happy, sexy, beautiful, low-maintenance wife and the ladies want their version of Prince Charming. I won't be writing much about what women want because I am not one; hence, I have no clue. My wife tells me she wants honesty, integrity, love, provision, protection, a man seeking Jesus all the time and to feel enveloped. Picture an eagle standing near his mate with his wings spread around her in protection and glaring at the enemies desiring to harm her silently screaming like Gandalf, "You shall NOT pass!"

So my sweet, petite, kind, gentle, loving, servant of Jesus, gorgeous Swedish blue-eyed blonde babe wife is whom I choose to love, cherish, respect, honor, serve, [insert all the other God-honoring husband adjectives here] for the rest of this life. She is the 'one.' I fell madly 'in love' with her. I forsake all other women to be with her. She is the only one for me, because God says she alone is my woman to share life, love, sex, etc. with because...duh! We are married.

So, how do you find the 'one' and what is 'falling in love?' Both of these are non-biblical descriptions of how our society has told us to find a partner. Nowhere in the Bible do we get much help determining how to find and choose a mate. So Christians in the USA follow along with the same emotionally destructive dating game used in Hollywood. And we see how successful that is. "I know. Right?" [I use that phrase to mock it because I detest it. Are you making a statement or asking a question? You cannot agree and doubt at the same second. Kind of how we look for a spouse. Isn't it? See?!] But Christians haven't chosen spouses wisely and have thrown away marriage as quickly as celebrities have. Maybe if I knew how to choose my mate at 20 with the knowledge I have now, I would still be in that first marriage. But, if I did, then I wouldn't have the children I do now, nor would I be with my wife [described above]. I love my kids. I love my wife. Since they are mine, I choose to LOVE them. All the mistakes along the way have led me to where I am now. I celebrate with joy my children for who they are and that they are seeking Jesus. I celebrate my wife. I cannot imagine, nor do I want to think about, being with any other. So heed my lessons learned advice as we now move quickly forward.

As I stated at the beginning, I will write mainly to the guys; 'cuz I are one. Men, you have a built in longing by God to pour your life into a woman; not just sexually. God put it in us. We long to be Prince Charming and her fearless warrior to protect, provide, strengthen, etc. her so she can become the Princess she longs to be. Only as God directs can this happen in a healthy way. He who finds a wife finds a good thing. The Proverb does not mean she is a thing. It means having a wife is a good thing. The woman, the person who is the wife, is a treasured creation of God. How do we find her? Let's not think finding a wife is to be done in the same manner as Moses, Isaac and Jacob 'found' theirs. And, please, oh! please, do not use David and Solomon as the models for obtaining your spouse.

Whether you decide to meet women at church or through friends, needs to be submitted to God. Those are probably the two best options. Stay clear of the on-line dating/meeting stuff simply for the desperation it connotes or denotes; one of those is the right word, or maybe both. Stay away from clubs, bars, prostitutes, co-workers [these last two are fairly equivalent] and any other places you sense are not for you. I don't really have any idea where or how you will meet 'the one.'

How about praying, "God, when you are ready and think I am, please bring someone to me that you want me to share life with so we can live a marriage that serves and glorifies You while we bring glimpses of Your Kingdom to a hurting world."

As a parent I wish I could save my children lots of pain and deliver to them 'the one' from God. So far, it's not happening. Parents picking their kids spouse! This has caused plenty of pain in people's lives. But what is often overlooked is the fact that your parents didn't deliver a worse version of 'the one' than your own many failed attempts have. Listen to and talk with your parents and Christians that can give you wisdom and direction.

Here now are the five easy steps to getting 'the one.'

1. There is no such thing as 'the one.' You have to become 'the one' for 'the one' you marry. You only know for sure that they are 'the one' when you are married, because they de facto become 'the one.' So make your spouse 'the one' by choosing to be 'the one' and treating your now life-spouse as 'the one' you always dreamed of. Marriage is commitment. It's not about your feelings.


2. This one is more important than #1. Pursue God for life-giving and transforming water daily. Worship God. Surrender to Jesus. Submit to the Holy Spirit. Allow and ask God to continuously wash you clean making you more holy daily. Surrender all your faults at the cross. Become like Jesus so you can be like Jesus to everyone including your spouse. Serve Jesus, love people. Take your eyes off yourself. Submit your will and desires to the King. Beg for holiness; not a wife!


3. You do not 'fall in love' because you do not 'fall out of love.' Neither of these is a biblical concept. This is Hollywood romantic mumbo-jumbo. These are merely descriptions of confused feelings, hopes, wants, etc. that may all merely be related to indigestion. They may also last about the same amount of time.


4. Align all your hopes, dreams, goals, desires with what God tells you as you dig into Scripture and pray. Lose your selfish hollowness. Die to self and be made whole in Christ so you won't need a spouse to 'complete' you. You need to be a whole person who knows that your flesh is dead and the life you now live is Jesus living through you to change the world.


5. Marriage is only for this life. Remember, Jesus said to the Pharisees there will not be marriage in heaven. Bummer! So as great as marriage can be and as amazing as sex with 'the one' is, it isn't even eternal. Whatever heaven consists of is far better than what marriage on earth was designed for. Marriage is merely an earthly analogy of the community God exists in so we can get to know Him. It's like the tabernacle and temple were merely earthly copies of the real thing in heaven. Somehow marriage is just to make us more like Jesus, give us an understanding of how to love God and people and to be committed to one person so we can learn how to be solely, souly and wholey committed to THE ONE. That's the triune God in case you were confused about which one that ONE was.


6. Now that you are whole in Jesus and not needy, emo, etc. we can move on. If you don't have the above solid, you will put too much of your brokenness on your spouse. They cannot fix you. They cannot; cannot bear your burden. They cannot complete you. Only God can deal with all your junk.


7. So when you meet a possible spouse, your number one priority is to determine that they fit all the above and are whole in Jesus too. They cannot need you. If we marry for need, it is putting the spouse in the place of God to heal our hollowness. Marriage is not supposed to be toxic like co-dependency and enabling are [insert all relationship reality TV shows here as negative examples]. Marriage is supposed to mimic the community that God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are.


8. Now for the stuff that is usually first on all the other lists: Do you like this person? Can you get along in a crowd and when its just the two of you? Is there a physical attraction? Somehow this needs to be near the bottom of the list since it is a fading quality. Everyone's looks carries diminishing returns. Can you laugh with and at each other? How do you both handle stress and anger? Insert here all the other questions you think up.


9. Is it wooing? Is it courting? Is it a date? Whatever label the relationship has, it needs to be pursued with purity, integrity, honesty and all the other true and cool righteous adjectives that lift up Jesus. Communicate well. Listen lots. Listen more. Smile. Have fun together. Be friends.

So there you have the 3-steps toward finding 'the one' to 'fall in love' with. Simple.

Now, where is she? Probably on a friends Facebook friend list. No. Wait. That was needy. Remember MySpace? It faded faster than many "the one"s did.

Give Him time. Everything is His space. Your future spouse is His child. You are His child. Read #'s 2 & 4 until you get it. Rest in Jesus. Be His child. Bow before Him. Spend a lot of time before His throne allowing Him to make you whole. Become whom He makes you as He dumps your junk and cleans you up.