How to Choose Your Spouse

Most people I know want a happy life; the guys want a happy, sexy, beautiful, low-maintenance wife and the ladies want their version of Prince Charming. I won't be writing much about what women want because I am not one; hence, I have no clue. My wife tells me she wants honesty, integrity, love, provision, protection, a man seeking Jesus all the time and to feel enveloped. Picture an eagle standing near his mate with his wings spread around her in protection and glaring at the enemies desiring to harm her silently screaming like Gandalf, "You shall NOT pass!"

So my sweet, petite, kind, gentle, loving, servant of Jesus, gorgeous Swedish blue-eyed blonde babe wife is whom I choose to love, cherish, respect, honor, serve, [insert all the other God-honoring husband adjectives here] for the rest of this life. She is the 'one.' I fell madly 'in love' with her. I forsake all other women to be with her. She is the only one for me, because God says she alone is my woman to share life, love, sex, etc. with because...duh! We are married.

So, how do you find the 'one' and what is 'falling in love?' Both of these are non-biblical descriptions of how our society has told us to find a partner. Nowhere in the Bible do we get much help determining how to find and choose a mate. So Christians in the USA follow along with the same emotionally destructive dating game used in Hollywood. And we see how successful that is. "I know. Right?" [I use that phrase to mock it because I detest it. Are you making a statement or asking a question? You cannot agree and doubt at the same second. Kind of how we look for a spouse. Isn't it? See?!] But Christians haven't chosen spouses wisely and have thrown away marriage as quickly as celebrities have. Maybe if I knew how to choose my mate at 20 with the knowledge I have now, I would still be in that first marriage. But, if I did, then I wouldn't have the children I do now, nor would I be with my wife [described above]. I love my kids. I love my wife. Since they are mine, I choose to LOVE them. All the mistakes along the way have led me to where I am now. I celebrate with joy my children for who they are and that they are seeking Jesus. I celebrate my wife. I cannot imagine, nor do I want to think about, being with any other. So heed my lessons learned advice as we now move quickly forward.

As I stated at the beginning, I will write mainly to the guys; 'cuz I are one. Men, you have a built in longing by God to pour your life into a woman; not just sexually. God put it in us. We long to be Prince Charming and her fearless warrior to protect, provide, strengthen, etc. her so she can become the Princess she longs to be. Only as God directs can this happen in a healthy way. He who finds a wife finds a good thing. The Proverb does not mean she is a thing. It means having a wife is a good thing. The woman, the person who is the wife, is a treasured creation of God. How do we find her? Let's not think finding a wife is to be done in the same manner as Moses, Isaac and Jacob 'found' theirs. And, please, oh! please, do not use David and Solomon as the models for obtaining your spouse.

Whether you decide to meet women at church or through friends, needs to be submitted to God. Those are probably the two best options. Stay clear of the on-line dating/meeting stuff simply for the desperation it connotes or denotes; one of those is the right word, or maybe both. Stay away from clubs, bars, prostitutes, co-workers [these last two are fairly equivalent] and any other places you sense are not for you. I don't really have any idea where or how you will meet 'the one.'

How about praying, "God, when you are ready and think I am, please bring someone to me that you want me to share life with so we can live a marriage that serves and glorifies You while we bring glimpses of Your Kingdom to a hurting world."

As a parent I wish I could save my children lots of pain and deliver to them 'the one' from God. So far, it's not happening. Parents picking their kids spouse! This has caused plenty of pain in people's lives. But what is often overlooked is the fact that your parents didn't deliver a worse version of 'the one' than your own many failed attempts have. Listen to and talk with your parents and Christians that can give you wisdom and direction.

Here now are the five easy steps to getting 'the one.'

1. There is no such thing as 'the one.' You have to become 'the one' for 'the one' you marry. You only know for sure that they are 'the one' when you are married, because they de facto become 'the one.' So make your spouse 'the one' by choosing to be 'the one' and treating your now life-spouse as 'the one' you always dreamed of. Marriage is commitment. It's not about your feelings.


2. This one is more important than #1. Pursue God for life-giving and transforming water daily. Worship God. Surrender to Jesus. Submit to the Holy Spirit. Allow and ask God to continuously wash you clean making you more holy daily. Surrender all your faults at the cross. Become like Jesus so you can be like Jesus to everyone including your spouse. Serve Jesus, love people. Take your eyes off yourself. Submit your will and desires to the King. Beg for holiness; not a wife!


3. You do not 'fall in love' because you do not 'fall out of love.' Neither of these is a biblical concept. This is Hollywood romantic mumbo-jumbo. These are merely descriptions of confused feelings, hopes, wants, etc. that may all merely be related to indigestion. They may also last about the same amount of time.


4. Align all your hopes, dreams, goals, desires with what God tells you as you dig into Scripture and pray. Lose your selfish hollowness. Die to self and be made whole in Christ so you won't need a spouse to 'complete' you. You need to be a whole person who knows that your flesh is dead and the life you now live is Jesus living through you to change the world.


5. Marriage is only for this life. Remember, Jesus said to the Pharisees there will not be marriage in heaven. Bummer! So as great as marriage can be and as amazing as sex with 'the one' is, it isn't even eternal. Whatever heaven consists of is far better than what marriage on earth was designed for. Marriage is merely an earthly analogy of the community God exists in so we can get to know Him. It's like the tabernacle and temple were merely earthly copies of the real thing in heaven. Somehow marriage is just to make us more like Jesus, give us an understanding of how to love God and people and to be committed to one person so we can learn how to be solely, souly and wholey committed to THE ONE. That's the triune God in case you were confused about which one that ONE was.


6. Now that you are whole in Jesus and not needy, emo, etc. we can move on. If you don't have the above solid, you will put too much of your brokenness on your spouse. They cannot fix you. They cannot; cannot bear your burden. They cannot complete you. Only God can deal with all your junk.


7. So when you meet a possible spouse, your number one priority is to determine that they fit all the above and are whole in Jesus too. They cannot need you. If we marry for need, it is putting the spouse in the place of God to heal our hollowness. Marriage is not supposed to be toxic like co-dependency and enabling are [insert all relationship reality TV shows here as negative examples]. Marriage is supposed to mimic the community that God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are.


8. Now for the stuff that is usually first on all the other lists: Do you like this person? Can you get along in a crowd and when its just the two of you? Is there a physical attraction? Somehow this needs to be near the bottom of the list since it is a fading quality. Everyone's looks carries diminishing returns. Can you laugh with and at each other? How do you both handle stress and anger? Insert here all the other questions you think up.


9. Is it wooing? Is it courting? Is it a date? Whatever label the relationship has, it needs to be pursued with purity, integrity, honesty and all the other true and cool righteous adjectives that lift up Jesus. Communicate well. Listen lots. Listen more. Smile. Have fun together. Be friends.

So there you have the 3-steps toward finding 'the one' to 'fall in love' with. Simple.

Now, where is she? Probably on a friends Facebook friend list. No. Wait. That was needy. Remember MySpace? It faded faster than many "the one"s did.

Give Him time. Everything is His space. Your future spouse is His child. You are His child. Read #'s 2 & 4 until you get it. Rest in Jesus. Be His child. Bow before Him. Spend a lot of time before His throne allowing Him to make you whole. Become whom He makes you as He dumps your junk and cleans you up.